There are times when my miscarriages seem to be such a part of me that they are a label.
My name is Danna.
I am 30 years old.
I have brown hair and hazel eyes.
I have 3 beautiful children.
I have had 6 miscarriages.
I have to remind myself sometimes that there was so much pain, hope and sadness surrounding my precious angel babies.
Just as I am more than a label, more than stats so are they.
My babies.
My children that I once carried in my womb.
They were my hope for the future.
They were living beings with a heartbeat.
I think that as a way to separate myself, a way to continue living that I have built a wall around myself.
This wall helped me to survive it.
To retain a part of myself that was floundering and crumbling away.
To retain a part of myself that was floundering and crumbling away.
I carried these children.
My body sustained them.
My heart loved them.
My soul yearns for them.
I know that they are being taken care of.
I wish though that I could take a peak at them.
To see what they look like.
To hold their hands, stroke their cheeks and smooth their hair.
I want to mother my children.
I want to tell them how much I love them.
I want them to know that they mean the world to me.
I remember after losing my babies that they harsh reality would set in that people would eventually forget.
I am the one with the memories.
I am the one that is reminded of them.
My heart is the one that won't forget.
Oh Danna - you are so much more then a label. So so SO much more...You are kind, giving, caring, compassionate, loving, sweet, thoughtful, funny, cheerful, silly, happy - and so many other things that immediately come to mind that there is no possible way that I could ever tell you everything that you are. You are a beautiful person, inside and out - who something terrible has happened to. Something that I wish happened to NO ONE..because no one should ever have to say goodbye to their babies. Whether they've 'met' them or not...it's just not the way that life should work - if life were fair. Sigh.
ReplyDeleteI can't imagine the pain you must feel, the longing and the desire to hold them in your arms..and how much of a toll that must take on you..because you do have to put on a happy face and 'move on' with life and put your whole self into the girls you have here with you..and you are so much more - because you are one of the kindest, most caring mothers that I've ever had the experience of knowing (let alone being an LLT with) and I hope that if I ever have kids..I'm half the mother you are - because that's the biggest label I would put on you if I had to - an amazing, wonderful, fantabulous mother - to all of her children - those with her daily, and those always in her heart.
Also - This may sound weird or crazy..but I don't forget. While it makes me sad that you don't have your angel babies with you..you sharing your story has made sure that they're not forgotten...and you don't have to carry that burden all on your on. Now this may sound even WEIRDER...but today I was thinking about you and your little Emma Grace..and just thinking about that sort of stuff..which is so crazy that you wrote this post tonight..and talked about how others will eventually forget. I don't know if it's a sign, or coincidence or whatever it may be - but it was just this afternoon that I was thinking about you and her - and perhaps I was just mean to think of that to tell you that I definitely do not forget...and I will be sitting here wishing we could have chats and tea and cupcakes and give you big giant hugs and listen to you pour your heart out about everything and anything - because I'll always be here to listen so that I won't forget and you don't have to feel that burden entirely on your own. And I'm sure I'm not at ALL alone in saying that either..I know that there are many people who love to read your stories, especially if it helps you to feel not quite so alone.
It took so much courage to post this - and I'm so proud of you. But oh my dear...I wish there was something I could say to make it better. I wish there was a way to take away your pain..but all I can say is that I'm sorry. I'm sorry that you can't hold them and care for them..and I wish I could do something to fix that. Know that I love you and think about you often. Your tweets, blog posts and other little interactions put a smile on my face and make me happy on a daily basis..and I love having you as a part of my life...you're an amazing woman, and I'm proud to call you my friend. Your miscarriages will always be a part of you, just like every experience, good, bad, happy, sad or horrific - but they do not define you..your amazing soul and beautiful spirit already took care of that.
xoxooxoxoxoxox - much love.
So this is the trick with walking a fine line, right? On the one side, the proverbial "you" sits and announces your woes constantly to the world. By composing yourself in this manner, you paint the window through which people view you in a certain color thus enabling the designation of a label. On the other side, "you" sit quietly, swallow your woes and attempt to convince those looking in that your window glass is clear and that all is well. One approach lends itself to people labeling you, the other leads to them either not knowing the truth or forgetting it when you do mention it.
ReplyDeleteI think that this is one of the hidden rewards to blogging and of knowing each other through this medium. In real life, we aren't likely to address our heavy heart or worries with the same intensity/scrutiny/honesty (at least I don't). We have to focus on being functional and getting through the day. Focus on relationships with those around us and on composing ourselves in a respectable manner (after all… isn’t perception 90% of the game?). But here, when it's on our mind, we can dump it here, leave it, and walk away. And then this magical thing happens… when we come back… we find tid-bits of love, outpouring of support, and epic confirmation from our virtual loved ones.
My point is this: we all strive to compose ourselves in ways that won’t allow those in our surroundings to label us. We are all more than labels. At the same time, because we don’t scream our aches from the top of every mountain (in real life), doesn’t mean we don’t hurt.
Danna? Here? We won’t forget. Your angel blessed ones watch over you, and when you miss them, you can come tell us about it. On the other hand, when you want to celebrate or mourn something else, we are here to listen. We won’t forget that either. No labels here, my sweet friend. Just an immense wave of comfort and love.
I think it's hard not to think of your 3 little angels as a label or "ingredient" in your life because they have shaped you into the person you are. But they are not solely the reason. However, just like any ingredient of a recipe, they cannot be forgotten because otherwise the recipe isn't complete. You are not complete. All of your children make you who you are....a mother. An amazing mother. People who truly love and support you will not forget. They may not talk about them all the time, but they will not forget. Not if it's important to you. This is a beautiful post. Thank you for sharing with all of us. Sending hugs your way.
ReplyDeleteSometimes I cry because I am the only person in the world that will remember my baby. But I can tell her story, dream about the slope of her forehead and the scent of her hair and wait for the day when my arms are never empty again. As a mother we will never forget the children we did not get to hold and even if we are the only ones who remember them and dream of them they are still cherished in our hearts as they should be. Imagine the day when we are all reunited I wonder if it will be all I have dreamed it to be!
ReplyDeleteI wish I had something incredibly comforting to say. While I can't imagine the pain you go through over your losses, you are so blessed to have your 3 cupcakes. Thinking of you!
ReplyDeleteI know in my own small way, these same feelings. love to you!
ReplyDeleteI don't know what to say other than I know, I understand and I love you. (((hugs)))
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