Thursday, March 31, 2011

Thursday 5

It's Thursday lovelies, you know what that means???
One more day until the weekend!
Yippee!

Well, since it is Thursday, that means that it is some time for THURSDAY 5!
 I love participating in this, it really forces you to take stock of all the positive things that are happening.
I love the positive!



 
Delightful


Happy


Superb


Gorgeous


Loved

1. My children have been extra delightful lately {if that is humanly possible}. It is just such an honor to be the mother of these darling girls!

2. Since I have been sleeping well at night again I have been super happy! It is amazing what a good night's sleep can do for you!

3. I had a superb time with my hubby last night. We had an at home date night and watched a movie together. I had a blast laughing with him.

4. I KNOW that there will some day be gorgeous weather. With beautiful blossoming flowers and trees, I'm just not seeing it yet :)

5. Earlier this week, I put out a couple of deep and sensitive posts. The response from my lovely readers {friends} has been overwhelming! I feel so very loved and encouraged by these amazing women! It has also been a wonderful opportunity to learn more about others as well, I love blogging!

Wednesday, March 30, 2011

My Interview with Ainsley

I love this pic, this is her super big cheesy grin :)

1. Where do Daddy and I work? What do we do there?
Daddy works at his workshop, he eats lunch. Mommy works in the house, changes stinky diapers.

2. How old do you think Daddy and I are?
Daddy is 10 {33), Mommy is 9 {30}

3. What is your favorite thing to do?
To buy something

4. What is your favorite thing about being a big sister?I do nice things

5. What is your favorite thing about being Adison's little sister?
Great job!

6. What do you want to be when you grow up?A grown up kid

7. If you could be any animal, what would you be?
A giraffe!!!

8. What is something that you are really good at?
Homework!

9. What makes you laugh?
Mommy doing something funny!

10. What makes Mommy laugh?
A sheet {I have no idea about this one}

11. What's your favorite food?Mac-a-moni and cheese

12. What food do you think is yucky?
Chili

13. What is your favorite movie?
Despicable Me

14. What's your favorite color?
Blue!

15. What is your favorite thing to do at the park?
Slide down!

::Extra thoughts::
I like ice cream!
I like Mommy!

++++++++++++++

1. Interviewing Ainsley was really fun. She had a lot of fun with it too.

2. Thank you everyone for your sweet words regarding yesterday's post.
Sometimes I just have the need to write about something, yesterday was one of those days.
So, thank you.
You all really are the most supportive EVER!

3. I am going to *try* to have more positive posts, sorry things seem so heavy lately!

Tuesday, March 29, 2011

She wasn't a band-aid

I remember after losing my first baby almost 5 years ago having this desire to become pregnant again.
Then we found that that Emma Grace's pregnancy had been a partial molar pregnancy.
Then I was not only grieving the loss of my baby and dealing with possible cancer, but also being served a wait time until we could have another baby.
It felt like a cruel joke.
One that we made through, keeping our eyes on having another baby eventually.

Finally, I was pregnant again.
We lost that baby too.

After that I had a raging fire inside of me.
I didn't just want another baby, I had to have one.
I had to have a baby with every single fiber of my being.

This need was something beyond myself.
I remember feeling desperate.
My need for my baby was like a need to eat.

I thought, that if only I got to have a baby, a real, live baby that this desperation would go away.
So, I became pregnant again.
We lost the baby.

At this point, I was simply beside myself.
When I look back at that time in our lives I have no idea how we survived.

This was taken days after we found out we had lost the baby.
From the picture, I can tell that we are trying really hard to put on a happy face.

I see pictures of myself from then and I am a shell.
A shell of a person just trying desperately to survive.
To not hate myself and my body.

I felt as though my body had failed me.
It was made for this.
This is what made me a woman and I was failing at it.
I was failing and there was absolutely nothing that I could do about it.
I knew that this wasn't true, that my body and I hadn't failed, but it was such a hard feeling to shake.

So, after losing baby number three I became pregnant with baby number four.
I remember thinking that maybe this baby would stay.
I had had three miscarriages and didn't bad things happen in threes?
That must mean that this baby would stay.

I held such hope for this baby.
Clinging to those hcg and progesterone numbers.
Even when the bleeding started, I still held out hope.

My mom and I took Adison to visit my ailing Grandfather.
We had pulled into a resturant when my doctor's office called.
My numbers were going up, but they weren't doing what they should.
I had an u/s scheduled for the following Monday.

In my mind Monday was a goal that we could hopefully reach.
On Saturday morning, I awoke and the contractions started.
Then I knew.

After this miscarriage, my doctor decided to do some extra testing.
Everything came back as normal or inconclusive.
Less than comforting.

We were given the all clear to try to conceive again.
I got pregnant that first month.
I was immediatley put on progesterone and aspirin.
I expected to lose the baby but clung to hope.

The baby, later to be known as Ainsley, stayed in there.
I pinned my hope and what seemed like my very future on this child that the Lord had blessed us with.
As the weeks passed I started to think I might just get this baby.
That maybe I could hold it together.

I didn't really enjoy the pregnancy the way that I had wanted and hoped too.
Not because there was anything wrong, in fact, everything was perfect.
But with losing so many babies, I couldn't relax and believe that I might actually get one.

We made it to delivery at 39 weeks.
Even in the hospital I couldn't relax.
She was still inside and I felt terrified.

After delivery, I finally felt myself exhale.
I released that tension that had resided in my very soul for the last 2 years.
Ahhh.


I had had my baby.
I healthy, live baby.
All would be right with the world again.

Or so I thought.
I had thought that a baby would be a band-aid.
That they would heal all of my hurts.
What a heaping load of responsibilty to place on one so tiny.
But heap it I did.

Eventuallly though, I came to realize some truth.
That nothing and no one would be able to take away all of that pain.
That it was unfair of me to expect my child to do that.
I learned what I should have known all along.
That while I trusted the Lord with everything else, I had held onto my pain like a security blanket.
I hadn't shared my burden with Him the way that I should have.
The way that He wanted me to.

So, slowly and painfully I gave that to Him too.
The way that I have tried to give everything else.
Because, while it was completely unrealistic for me to expect my child to this, I already knew the One that could do it with me.

I heart it



Do you ever get that feeling that everything is bright and new and shiny?
That the world is starting to look up?
It's that exciting feeling and all of your nerves are all tingly.

Well, folks, I have that feeling.
I heart it.
It seems like things are looking up.

What has changed you may ask?
Nothing, well, maybe me a bit.

Have you ever really put yourself out there?
So out there that it leaves you feeling slightly exposed yet a bit exhilarated too?

Well, that is how I was feeling after I hit the big scary PUBLISH button on Saturday.
For me, it felt kind of big.
But, kind of like I was sharing parts of me that should have been shared all along.
Why was I so timid about it?

Can I tell you something amazing that happened from sharing?
I met some really amazing women that also took the plunge and shared things that they had previously kept silent about.
I also learned more about and shared with another, you know who you are :)
It was empowering and humbling all at the same time.

It has given me courage to want to post even more of the heavy things that at times I shy away from.
To be honest, I wrote one of those posts for today.
I again got a bit scared about hitting publish, but am now planning on doing it.
If the other women could share what they did, then I can most certainly share more on a topic that I have already posted about a few times.
Yep, I have another miscarriage post to share.

All of this, the sharing, talking, experiencing has felt like a renewal.
A change in myself that feels amazing.
This has occurred at the perfect time, Spring.
When it seems as though the world is awakening again.
There are blooms on the trees, the grass is turning green again.
There is birth and renewal.
It is a glorious time of year.

So, to those very special ladies and to all those that were so very supportive, I say THANK YOU!!!





Monday, March 28, 2011

Why is Spring Break over?

This morning my alarm went off and I realized that I couldn't ignore it anymore.
Spring Break is over.
I miss it.
I miss rolling out of bed and spending the day in pajamas watching tv with the kids, playing, cuddling and spending time with all three of them.
This spring break was glorious.
In fact, it was the best ever.

After I had my sad thought about getting my eldest ready for school today I then rememebered something else that it awful.
It snowed again.
Yes, just a week ago we were wearing shorts and t-shirts.
Today, snow.
Not much and not that cold, but seriously, snow.

So, I did what any other woman in my predicament would do.
I started searching through my sweatshirts only to discover that each and every one of them has stains on them.
Stains that I don't dare to remind myself how they got there.
I have three kids, my sweats have seen EVERYTHING.
*shudder*

So, my eldest is at school and I feel like I am going through withdrawal.
I miss her.
I want her home.
Several times this past week and even more during this past weekend I told K about my desire to homeschool my girls.
I just love them & want them around me all the time.

So, while the baby is napping and I am cuddling with Lee, I am silently counting down the minutes until I can pick up my Adison.

P.S. I finally figured out what Abby has been so cranky.
While I knew that she was teething a few weeks ago, I naievly assumed that she was getting both of her molars in on the bottom.
Wrong.
She only got one in.
I am assuming that the crankiness is the other molar coming in.
This child and her teeth, they just don't like to come in how they are supposed to.
See:

Sunday, March 27, 2011

I can't believe it's Sunday

I am having one of those overloaded brain moments.
I have so much that I want to share, so please bear with the ensuing randomness.

Okay.
Friday evening K and I attended a couples wedding shower for my brother, Joe, and his soon to be bride, Betsy.
We had so much fun!
{It was a blast Amanda!!!}
We played a hilarious version of Pictionary with wedding and gardening themes.
I should state that it was a gardening themed shower so everyone brought gardening gifts.
First I will show you an awful pic of my outfit that night.


Yes, it's an awful photo, BUT I am actually wearing real clothes and not lounging stuff.
Oh! I also did my hair!!!
That has to show how much I cared, right???

Okay, the next pic is of the darling deserts that Betsy's cousin made.
Oh my goodness!
Not only were they darling, but they were DELISH!


Okay, that was Friday.
Saturday, we pretty much did nothing.
I didn't leave the house once.

K however, did go run some errands.
He then surprised us with these beauties.
Because apparently I just can't get enough cupcakes.

{Since I have a cupcake themed blog, I wonder if I could be a cupcake tester??? It could totally work.}



The three on top were the yummiest vanilla cupcakes that I have ever eaten, seriously.
The one on the bottom left was an orange chocolate one.
The one on the bottom right was a grasshoper one.
The one in the middle?
That one is a cinnamon apple bacon cupcake.
Sounds odd right?
Wrong.
It was DELISH!
I am so happy to have such a fantastic cupcake place here in town, yippee!

For some reason, Abby has been super cranky this weekend.
She has been crying and just miserable, the odd thing though is that there doesn't appear to be anything wrong with her...strange.
We didn't make it to church due to said crying/temper tantrum/crankiness, very sad.

I did give her a slice of my vanilla cupcake.
She inhaled it.
Thatta girl!


I also had the most amazing conversation with my friend Erin from Daydreaming Fool.
{You seriously need to go check out her blog!}
Then K and I watched The Fighter and The Tourist.
Both movies were good.

Today, well so far has been much like yesterday.
Abby has been crying pretty much all morning.
Out of frustration and the unknown possible sick factor.

I HAVE to share this video with you.


She was post-cupcake-happiness.
Hence, silly face, dancing, saying "Hi", blowing a kiss and waving good-bye.
Enjoy!
Be careful though, she will totally make you melt!
Don't say I didn't warn you!!!

Okay, friends, I am off to tackly the laundry.
Yes, my usual nemisis is at it again.

Saturday, March 26, 2011

Q & A on Saturday

This morning I decided to take part in hasta claridad's Q & A on Saturday.


Every Saturday she asks her readers to ask a question, she responds and invites her readers to so as well.

Before I jump into it and I think this week's for me will be a leap of faith, I would recommend you head on over and check out her blog.
She is quickly becoming one of my favs!
She is also on Twitter too and is just the sweetest!

Okay, here is today's question:
What are you most afraid to write about and why?


This for me is a topic I have been pondering a lot lately.
I actually have a lot of thoughts on it.
I occasionally write about heavy things (miscarriages) but not often.

I remember when K and I were trying to have another baby and I was so hurt.
Hurt by everything.
The sight of a pregnant woman.
A newborn baby.
Hearing about people that were expecting.
Hearing women complain about their kids/pregnancy/getting pregnant so easily/etc.

Now that we have been blessed with our miracle children, I don't feel that I have the "right" to complain about anything.

Neither my children nor I are perfect.
And I don't want to pretend that we are.

But, I am afraid to "complain."
It's as though I have pigeon holed myself into being "Little Miss Optimism."
Not that that is a bad thing, but in reality that is just not real life.
I have my fair share of ups and downs.
It's not that I am afraid to be REAL just that I don't ever ever want to come across as ungrateful.

Here's one things that has been hard:
Since having my hysterectomy, rather than having a monthly cycle (obviously) I get really down and have a hard time sleeping.

There, I said it, FINALLY!
This has been really hard though, it has been an unforeseen side effect of said surgery.
Would I have it again, in a New York second.
I just didn't think of anything past the surgery.
Now I know.

I have so many blog posts that I have actually taken the time to write but then don't push publish because I am too afraid to.
Man, I need a dose of courage!

I also have a fear of writing things that might hurt other people.
Of hashing out things that hurt me/my kids/my husband.

Example:
The other day, there was an incident regarding my darling eldest.
Another child and adult were awful to her.
She is fine, just a little sad but overall fine.
It was a very sad situation that has caused K and I a lot of heartache.
But again, I have been reluctant to share it.
The situation just seems too personal and painful.
I just don't want to put other's out there either simply because I have chosen to put myself out there.

I am also reluctant to talk politics.
 I have very definite ideas, but have zero desire to debate it.
So, I just avoid it like the plague.

I do occasionally talk about religion.
Being a Christian is something that defines me as a person.
Again though, I have no desire to debate anything.
I like you the way that you are.
We may have differing opinions, but I am a-okay with that.

Okay, I am leaving it there.
I am feeling a bit exposed and out there.
If I am being honest with myself though, I can admit that I like it.
I only ask though, that you treat me with kid gloves.
Please.
I'll even say pretty please with a cherry on top if it will help :)

P.S. I have a confession to make.
I keep wanting to delete parts of this post {again, too afraid to put myself out there}.
K keeps convincing me to keep it all on there.
So, I am going to put on my big girls pants and push publish.


Friday, March 25, 2011

My interview with Adison


1. Where do Daddy and I work? What do we do there?
Daddy works at the Quick Shop {not really}, you work at home {yes}. Daddy pays bills and works on the computer, you change stinky diapers and feed us food.

2. How old do you think Daddy and I are?
Daddy is 40 {33}, I am 31 {30}.

3. What is your favorite part of school?
Recess!

4. What is your favorite part of being a big sister?
Getting to hug my sisters.

5. What do you want to be when you grow up?
I have a couple of things, I want to be a soccer player, a artist and a swimming teacher.

6. What is one extra special talent that you have?
Playing games is the most.

7. If you could have one superpower what would it be?
Change into any Pokemon or Digimon in the world.

8. If you could be any animal what would you chose?
A sugar glider.

9. What is your favorite thing to do?
A couple of things: go to Emmy's, swimming classes and Grandma & Grandpa's.

10. If you had $10 what would you buy?
A mama Zooble.

11. What cracks you up?
Ainsley shaking her butt **giggle giggle**

12. What makes Mommy laugh?
The funny show (America's Funniest Home Videos) {yep}

 
13. What is your favorite food?
Ice cream and yogurt

14. What is your least favorite chore?
Cleaning my room {you betcha}

15. What is your favorite movie?
Totoro

Thursday, March 24, 2011

The Good, the Bad and the Funny


The Good: It's Spring Break! Schedules go right out the window and we can relax! Abby said, "Love you" when I was putting her down for her nap. I melted. I gave Adison a hair cut today and it turned out really cute! The girls have actually been letting me sleep in a bit, no 6:45 wake ups for me!

The Bad: K is still having some asthma problems. We have ants, already, it's annoying. I cannot seem to keep the house picked up, I don't know why, it's just beyond my capabilities right now.

The Funny:

 

Thursday 5

 
Outstanding


Proud


Energized


Splendid


Wonderful

1. It was outstanding seeing my mom this past weekend. We had so much fun catching up, shopping and laughing. I can't wait to see her again!

2. I am so proud of Adison. I see her maturing and turning into such a wonderful young lady. Why oh why do kids have to grow up so quickly!?!

3. My friends Jennifer, Clara and I have been able to resume our morning walks. I feel so energized when we are able to do this. Yippee!

4. This has been a splendid Spring Break so far. The weather was so pretty the beginning of the week that we spent a lot of time outside. It has been kind of chilly the last few days so we have been hanging out indoors. I love spending time with my cupcakes!

5. I am looking forward to a wonderful weekend. My brother & future SIL's wedding shower is Friday evening. I can't wait to celebrate. We should have a pretty relaxing weekend otherwise.





Wednesday, March 23, 2011

An enchanting inner circle


I have made absolutely no secret that this girl melts me.
One look from her slobbery little self and I can't help but rush over and pick her up.
She has me wrapped around her little finger and all the others as well {I am not the only one she has cast this spell over}.

There is something magical about this age.
I have relished in it with each of my girls.
It is full of kisses, cuddles, hugs, tickling, raspberry blowing goodness.
Yes, there are temper tantrum but they are easily soothed with a smooch and a tickle.

Today, she learned the fine art of blowing raspberries on my face.
She was giggling and covering me in drool.
I loved every. single. moment. of it.
It was one of those enchanting times that I wish I could record, preserve and play back as often as I wanted and needed.

I want to remember the smell of her skin.
The giggle of her laughter.
The weight of her in my arms and on my chest.
Every single nuance of her face.
The smell of her hair.
The wetness of her slobber on my cheeks and chin even.

This blessed, miracle of a child of mine is like a blooming flower.
Unless you have been blessed to reside in her inner circle, you see the small form of beauty that she chooses to show you.
You will see the child that will cling to her mama's legs and want her daddy to pick her up so she can bury her face in his neck.
You will see the look of uncertainty as she attempts to ascertain her comfort level with you.
She will appear quiet and perhaps timid.
But, if she chooses to open up, allow you to see her beauty with in, you will see something truly amazing.

A child with an adorable sense of humor.
A child that giggles and laughs with her sisters.
A child so full of curiosity and independence.
A child so quick to smile
A child that loves to dance and make funny faces.
A child that loves to cuddle and love on you.

This girl of mine, you see, has stolen my heart.
She has blessed us.
God has blessed us.
For this little miracle, whose birth seemed unlikely and hearing seemed doubtful, is truly Heaven sent.

Tuesday, March 22, 2011

Oh my goodness!

Today is day two of Spring Break.
While I have all my little cupcakes at home with me, I want to have fun with them.
According to my phone it was supposed to rain today, so I planned on a day at home.
Then I looked out the window and saw BLUE sky.
Yippee!
I quickly corralled the cupcakes and gave them the choice:
zoo or park

Park won by a landslide.
{Well, as much of a landslide as you can have with only two people voting.}

So, we packed up some snacks and some waters.
I also told Ainsley that she could bring the bubbles since she had been asking for two days to play with them.

We make it to the park and the girls all start having a good time.

Adison immediately made friends and started playing.
I love how social and fun she is, she makes friends everywhere we go.


Abby had a blast running around, going down the slide and playing with Ainsley.

Ainsley made a couple of friends, but really just wanted to play with Abby.
They were really cute.


Ainsley got the bubbles out to play with them.
She wasn't having much success though as it was REALLY windy.
{Ahh, life in the Midwest.}
After a few mini-tantrums, I asked her to put them away.
She complied surprisingly well.

I let the girls play for a while longer until announcing that it was time to head home and make some lunch.
The car ride home was a breeze.
We get home and as I am getting Abby out of her car seat I see something fly by in my peripheral vision.
I ignore it thinking that it must be a leaf or something as it was so windy.

WRONG!

Ainsley had snatched the bottle of bubbles away from Adison, taken the cap off and starting flailing it back and forth.
Why?
That is the question that I asked as well.
Her response:
"Because I thought it was frozen."
Huh, what???

There was bubble goo everywhere.
Her hair.
The driver's chair.
The steering wheel.
Her car seat.
The middle console.
The floor.
The worst though: her eye!

Ugh.
After attending to her eye, I started cleaning up the sticky mess.
Adison was sweet enough to help, what a doll!
Needless to say, Ainsley had her second bath in less than 24 hours.

Moral of the story:
Don't ever and I mean EVER trust your three year old with a bottle of bubbles.

OR

Don't ever expect to get a reasonable explanation out of a three year old.

Monday, March 21, 2011

Ask Adison- Do you have any questions???

While on my walk with by besties this morning, we talked about doing an interview type thing on the blog with Adison.
She is a funny girl, that pretty much always has a thought/opinion.
So, since I know her so well {obviously}, I am having a hard time coming up with questions to ask her.

This is where you come in.
Do you have any questions or things that you would like to know Adison's thoughts on?


I am *hoping* to do this post later in the week.

Depending on how it goes, maybe we will do an "Ask Ainsley" as well.
Although, she is a bit more of a wild card.

Example:
Me: "Ainsley, do you know where your hair clip is?"
Ainsley: "Um, in your butt."

Seriously.

Well, that was a whirlwind weekend and a fun Monday morning

Howdy everyone!
I missed "talking" with all of you, but we were busy.
As in capital B, BUSY!
My Mom got into town Friday afternoon.
We basically didn't stop moving after that.
Of course, we hit up Target several times.
We had so much fun talking and laughing, I had so much fun with her!
See, we even wore out Abby.
I got my Mom hooked on Pioneer Woman .
She was going to borrow my book, but after starting it had to get one of her own.
The book is so sigh-worthy. Believe me, you won't be able to contain yourself.
Sighing and laughing, that is pretty much how the entire thing goes.

Abby and Ainsley had so much fun ripping up paper.

Anyways, so we hit up Target a few times and some other stores.
My Mom and her hubby, Guy. 

We also did some wedding planning with my soon to be sister in law, Betsy, and her mom.
It was so fun and I can't wait for the wedding!
Adison and my Dad.
{Sorry the pic is so dark.}
On Sunday, we all got together to celebrate my brother's birthday.
{We have pics on the camera, but I don't know where it went, sigh.}
We had a really nice time, I love family get togethers.
My poor niece, Cameron, had to go to the emergency room that morning and last night.
They think she might have asthma and she has RSV.

Poor K is sick.
His asthma is acting up and he has a horrible headache.
He was in bed pretty much the entire weekend except for dinner.
Then returned to bed and has been there ever since.
Asthma is no good.

Abby was being super cute one evening.
My mom and I took her to go run a few errands.
While my Mom was in getting some pizza, Abby was looking at a book.
She kept saying, "Pupa!" {Puppy}

#############

Today is the first day of Spring Break for Adison.
We went on a walk with my friends Jennifer and Clara.
We had so much fun walking and talking!


After walking, we took the kids to the playground.
All of them had a blast.

Adison and her bff, Emmy.

Ainsley going down the slide, of course, she is wearing a dress up outfit.

Abby was fearless!
She kept climbing up the steps and going down the slide, it was precious!

Happy Monday everyone!





Friday, March 18, 2011

It's Friday, let's share some pics!

First off, Happy Friday everyone!
Wow, this week went FAST!

Second, when looking through the pictures I was going to post for today, I realized that I didn't have any of Adison. {Sad face}

Most of these pics are from Thursday {St. Patty's Day}.

The first two pictures I took of Ainsley while we were waiting for our friends for our morning walk.
I shouldn't need to say this, but I will, the car was parked and turned off.
Hence, Ainsley not in her carseat buckled up.


This is the face that I got when I asked her smile for me, what a ham!


This is the second time that we have been able to see the Great Snail Migration.
{I don't know if that really exists, but we saw A LOT of snails.}

This time there were easily 20 snails.
Last Fall, when we saw this before there were a lot more.
They all crawl {?} from one side of the path to the other that is closer to a creek.
Aren't they cute!?! I love snails!



Abby walking around on the bridge.
This is the same bridge that I talked about here and here.
{Maybe it has magical powers, enchanting, funny moments occur here.)
She was so cute, she would walk about 10 feet away from me, turn around and toddle back as fast as her little legs would carry her.
When she got within arms length, she wanted to be picked up, kissed, tickled and put back down.
She repeated this process at least a couple dozen times.
Sigh, she melts me.


Ainsley loves to dress up.
She came downstairs that morning wearing this and she wore it again later that afternoon.




 These are just some cute pictures of Abby throughout part of the week.


Showing us her praying hands.


Her cute little crossed ankles and darling toes.


This my dear friends, is her funny face that she makes.
I can NEVER get it on camera.
Just like I can NEVER get her funny dance on camera.

I did get some cute video of her the other day.
I should post it, but I first have to figure out HOW to do that.

Have a marvelous Friday everyone!

xoxo, me