We actually have a very large brood

I am unsure as to how many people know this, but did you know that K and I have 9 (possibly 10) children?

I say possibly because our first loss should have been twins but the egg never split.

K and I have been wondering for quite a while if our Emma Grace was given two Heavenly bodies or one.

Sorry, I got a little off subject.

Anyways, we have a brood of 9. Which is a much larger family than I even envisioned myself having.

The Lord had another vision.

I go with what He decides, He knows what is best.

Our walk has been a very different walk than most travel.

It has been a blessing to us.

To know that up in Heaven right now I have 6 (possibly 7) little darlings waiting for me is what has made this entire journey possible.

To know that my Grandparents are up in Heaven playing with my little ones brings me such joy.

To think of my Grandma rocking my babies to sleep while I am unable to brings me comfort.

I do not usually dwell on these things.

In fact, I have now progressed to being able to not even crying when I think of my angels.

Today though, this is a task that I am incapable of handling.

I remember being told that I needed to get over it.

So, I didn't talk about my babies for a long time.

I tried not to think of them.

I tried to forget.

At times I could, then I would remember.

As my children get older (as all three of them are about to), I celebrate their births, their experiences, their lives.

However, I am brought back to the lives I didn't get to watch.

Who's births were so traumatic.

Who's bodies I never got to cradle and who's faces I never got to kiss.

How do I make their lives meaningful when at times it feels like I am the only one carrying on their flame.

How do I make their lives important?

I have wondered for a few years now what the Lord would have me do with this experience.

I am actually still wondering this.

I am able to talk about the Lord and His goodness through all of this, but what do I do with it?

How will this experience help others?

How can we use this experience for good?
We know that God has already done this, but I am left wondering do I have a job to do, too?

K and I have been blessed to make it to the other end of the tunnel.

We are still intact and stronger than ever.

More importantly though, we have grown closer to our Creator.

We were chosen for this.

To have the honor of being parents, yet never holding most of our babies.

To dream of them and yearn for them, but have empty arms.

Through this, good has to come.

I feel as though there has to be more.

There has to be something tangible that I can do.

I feel the need to use this experience to somehow help.

What keeps coming back to me is how?

I don't know if I am finally at a point of healing to wonder these questions.

Is it God that has stirred this desire within me?

Or are my motives somehow selfish?

I want to use this to encourage others.

The "How" question still looms though.

There is just so much loss out there in the world.

How do we use our own experiences to help others?
How do we make ourselves so transparent that the only thing left of us is God?

How do we allow others to experience the healing that we have so graciously been given?

Please remember that October 15th is Pregnancy and Infant Loss Awareness Day.