Friday, September 17, 2010

My baby

I have a love for this baby that overwhelms me.
Yes, I feel the same love for my other children.
But, just as my children are different, the love is equal, always there and sometimes feels different.
I have no idea how to explain it, but it is true.

I am in love with this baby so much that I can/could/have cried looking at her.
(Yes, I did this with my other children too. The difference is that I didn't blog then.)
My love for her knows no bounds.
What baffles me, is that if this is how much I love my child, I cannot fathom God's love for me.

This was a surprise pregnancy.
One that started difficultly with bleeding and what felt like a familiar path.
I didn't want to be on that path, I didn't want to endure it again. I decided that I wasn't going to call the dr.
I felt like skipping the blood work, the numerous times getting tests done, waiting for phone calls and countless ultrasounds.

I convinced myself that it wouldn't work this time around like it hadn't work so many others.
I shut part of myself off.
I was determined to not become emotionally attached.
I prayed for this baby, prayed with all of my might.
I cried so many tears.

Finally I called the dr's office and told them about having a positive pregnancy test.
The blood work, over-analyzing test results, tears, anxiety and fears began.
I had an ultrasound done and saw my baby on the screen.
It started to become real.
I might really get this baby, I might get to say hello rather than the good-bye that I was used to.

The baby decided to stay in.
We were actually going to be able to hold this one.
I let myself become attached.
I let myself have dreams for this baby.
I let myself see a life for this baby.

We got asked all the time if we were going for that boy, seeing as we had two girls.
Few could understand that gender didn't matter, we simply wanted a baby.
A baby that we got to keep.
A baby that we got to hold.

This child, was such a blessing.
We hadn't decided on a name for her when she was born.
(A first for us.)
Upon delivery and seeing our miracle, our child that God knit together so perfectly in my womb,
we knew we had an important choice to make.
It was between Abigail and Audrey.
Knowing that Abigail meant "A father's joy" was the deciding factor.
How loved would this surprise, miracle baby feeling knowing that she was her father's joy.

My love for this child amazes me everyday.
It almost hurts it is so intense.
It is so intoxicating that I just want to hold her and be with her.
I thank the Lord for this baby, for knowing we needed her.
For choosing us and for choosing her to complete our family.

I love you my amazing, sweet, beautiful, wonderful, silly, giggly, charming, bashful Abby.
You are such a wonderful gift.

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