Feeling nostalgic

I shared this picture earlier today and I can't stop looking at it.

 

 

This picture has been a bit of a reality check for me.

My baby is growing up.

I have been noticing it more and more lately.

 

 

I just keep looking at those downy soft cheeks.

The little rubberband wrists.

The dimples on her little knuckles.

 

 

Pretty soon they will be gone.

This picture reminds me that time just keeps marching on regardless of my desire for it to slow down.

My baby is growing up and is now a toddler.

While I embrace this next chapter of our lives, it makes me sad to close the previous one.

 

 

I am excited to see the little girl that she will become.

To figure her out.

To piece together who she is, what she likes and what she doesn't.

To discover the things that make her "Abigail."

The same way that we have loved getting to know her big sisters.

The things that make them tick and make them them.

 

 

This little girl is something amazing.

I am so happy that I get to be her mama.

That I get to be the one to watch her grow.

The time I lost it at Silver Dollar City

I am one of those women who love being pregnant.

Not that I have that glow, but I love the feeling of a little life growing inside of me.

Branson 2002, me with my niece

What I didn't love about being pregnant was my relationship with food.

If I was hungry and you stand in the way of my food WATCH OUT!

I was around 20 weeks pregnant with my first child {Adison} and we were on a family vacation to Branson with K's family.

It was so much fun!

This trip we decided to go to Silver Dollar City.

I had gone there as a child and remembered loving it.

So we are there, walking around, having fun when I start to get hungry.

I saw a little restaurant that had some food that looked really good.

I mentioned to K something along the lines of:
I'm getting hungry, the food their looks really good. I think we should go eat.

His response was something like:
Okay, let's go on a few more rides since the show is going to start soon and then we can get some food.

I must of agreed to this, although 8 years later I cannot possibly imagine why.

In hindsight, since I couldn't ride on anything *I* should have gone to eat and everyone else should have gone on the rides.

Dear younger pregnant self, EAT WHEN YOU ARE HUNGRY!

Everyone else goes on the rides, I sit there, hot, miserable, hungry, pregnant and becoming more bitter by the second.

My thoughts at the time surrounded by pictures of food.

A few more rides seemed to turn into EVERY RIDE ALONG THE WAY.

We were almost at something I like to call seeing red angry.

It was quickly becoming a BAD situation.

I kept mentioning my state of hunger and how much I NEEDED to eat.

But there was just ONE MORE RIDE to go one.

Needless to say, by the time that the rides were done the RESTAURANT was CLOSED.

Yes closed.

As was EVERY SINGLE OTHER ONE.

I was livid and so hungry that it was bordering hysteria.

To make matters worse, we were seeing a show at Silver Dollar City so we couldn't just leave to go get my precious food.

Then, THEN K found this kiosk that was open.

Great food I thought, only NOT GREAT.

They had Renaissance type food.

You know the kind, where you can get a huge roasted turkey leg and a little cardboard box of corn on the cob and other such items.

Did my nearly hysterical, half starved, hormonally pregnant self want THAT?

No I tell you, I WANTED the food at the other restaurant.

Not this food.

No!

So I did what any other rational, pregnant woman {ha ha} does.

I LOST IT.

I FLIPPED OUT!

I CRIED.

I basically threw a temper tantrum.

I don't want that food.

I wanted to food from earlier.

I want the food that I said that I want back when I said that I wanted it.

We should have eaten earlier, you know BACK WHEN I MENTIONED THAT I WAS HUNGRY THE FIRST 100 TIMES.

Oh yeah, I forgot to mention that I did all of this IN FRONT OF K's FAMILY!

Then, K's mom {who is the sweetest woman ever} said, 

They will have cotton candy at the show, we can get you some there.

Normally I am a huge fan of cotton candy, love it, that moment though, I didn't.

I seem to recall more ranting and raving occurring, but must have blocked it out due to extreme embarrassment.

I was borderline vomitting from the need for food and that sugary stuff sounded about as appealing as the Renaissance food.

I don't remember if I ended up eating anything there.
More likely than not I didn't, I was probably past the hungry point.

You know, where you really can't eat because you are so sick to your stomach.

Yep, not my proudest moment.

I can't really claim any blame though, can I?

I can blame the raging horomones.

Looking back at this moment cracks me up.

I cannot believe that I lost it that way, especially in front of his family.

Ha ha ha, oh the memory making times.

I read this prompt at Mama Kat's writer's workshop and knew that I had to share.
Head on over, pick a prompt and join!

Some bird watching

I was talking to my dad the other day when he mentioned that they had a baby robin's nest in their backyard and would the kids want to see it.

Um, yes!

We were invited over last night for some fun and bird watching.

{After Abby took a 7 hour nap!!!!}

{Yes, you just read that correctly and it's not a typo, 7 hours.}

After dinner {turkey burgers with avocado, yum!} we got the kids ready and headed over.

When we first got their we lifted up all the kids so they could see the babes.

The nest is on top of a wreath on the wall.

So funny.

The babes were soooo cute.

I attempted to get a picture, but it didn't really turn out.

I'll share it anyways, you know, because I'm nice like that.

Ha!

 

 

We kept waiting for the mama bird to come and feed her babies.

It was so sweet watching them lift their little heads in anticipation.

Finally we told the kids that they had to be REALLY quiet and NOT move.

Sounds good, the reality though is that it probably won't happen.

 

Adison and Ainsley did really well with the whole quiet and not moving thing.

At this point the mama was in the yard waiting for the all clear.

 

 Abby on the other hand, well, she was just really excited about seeing the mama bird.

Lots of squealing and running around ensued.

It was really cute.

The mama kept getting closer, then Abby would squeal and she would scoot back.

I then decided to pick up Abby and head to the corner of the lawn in hopes that the mama would feel comfortable enough to feed her young.

Lo and behold, after a few moments, this occurred:

 

It was so neat watching this mama take care of her three little babes.

 

 

It was a tearful morning

My baby is now 18 months old.

I know that I have requested it before, but can we PLEASE pretend that 18 months = baby and not toddler?

Thank you very much.

Abby's 15 month appointment was an abysmal affair.

She cried and cried and cried.

It broke my mama heart into a gazillion pieces.

Today there were a lot of tears too.

She HATES going to the doctor.

Hates it.

Every single stinkin' minute of it.

I feel really awful for our doctor.

Luckily he doesn't take it personally.

He even said so...and it's not his first time mentioning it...I really hope that means that a lot of his patients cry the entire time.

Right?

My girl is now 21 lbs 11oz.

She is in the 10th - 25%, but on the chart she was a tiny bit above the 10th %.

Yep, my baby is a tiny dancer.

She is now 32 inches tall.

50th to 75th %, right there in the middle.

She has a typical large noggin like my other girls, although hers is the smallest.

75th - 90th %.

Her umbilical hernia is getting smaller.

Yay!
Everything else looks amazing.

She is developmentally right on track and doing great.

Then came the part where he asked about her being sick the last couple of weeks.

After hearing her symptoms he decided that it would be a good idea to clean out her ears so that he could get a better look.

It was torture.

The first ear she kicked and screamed and was attempted to flail her arms all over the place.

It took the doctor, a nurse and myself to hold her down.

For the second ear she put up a bit of a fight, but not as much.

{Let me tell ya, it feels absolutely awful to have to do this. Knowing that it is necessary and helps eases the guilt, but ugh, mama needed some cuddle time with her afterwards.}

Luckily her ears look fine.

After that came time for her vaccines.

Ugh, yep.

She got shots.

She again cried and cried.

I wanted to cry with her.

Now she is sleeping.

I hope that when she wakes up she is feeling okay.

It's just hard since she was JUST starting to feel and act better, that this could mean more not feeling good for her.

Sigh.

Remember this photo from a couple of weeks ago?
I am praying that she doesn't feel this bad for a long time.

While there, one of our wonderful nurses gave Ainsley a talkin' to about not eating rocks.

I may or may not have cracked a grin when this happened.

Ainsley looked properly instructed and repentant.

Let's just hoped that it actually worked.

**fingers crossed**

P.S. after her appointment and getting her down for a nap, I totally needed to rest.

Lee and I laid in my room and watched a movie.

Taking the kids to appointments wears me out.



How to feed a llama

Ainsley asked me during lunch today:

Mama, how do you feed a llama?

Me: I don't know sweetie, I've never fed a llama before.

Lee: Well, first you put your hand out.

Then the llama smells your hand.

Then it licks your hand.

Then it licks your hand again.

Then it eats the food off of your hand.

Then you get more food on your hand.

Then it eats the food from your hand.

That is how you feed a llama Mama.

Me: Thanks Lee, now I know how to feed a llama if I ever need to.

Lee: Yep, that's how you feed one.

Yes, this is a typical coversation with Ainsley.

She truly says the most random and funny things ever.

Earlier today I posted on Twitter another one of her gems:

Mama, would you be sad if someone put me in a telescope.

Me: Why would someone put you in a telescope.

Lee: Welllllll, some mean guy could put me in a telescope.

Would you be sad Mama.

Me: Yes Lee, I would be very sad if someone put you in a telescope.

Yesterday out of the blue she said to me:

My name is Princess Princess Princess oh Princess

{Picture from this morning.}

She is constantly cracking us up!

Yesterday at dinner we were talking about Ainsley having "zombie eyes."

She thought it was REALLY funny.

I posted a close up of her eye below, it's kinda gross though so scroll down at your own discretion.

Turns out that it isn't pink eye but some sort of eye infection.

We got her some new drops and HOPE that she is feeling better soon.



P.S. Two little ones that are dear to my heart are struggling right now and could really use some prayers.

Annabelle

Bennett

I have been pleasantly surprised

I mentioned last Thursday that today marks five years since we found out that our Emma Grace had died.

I have been ten shades of nervous/sad/occasionally weepy about today.

For me, five years seems like a big deal for some reason.

I know that our little girl {and our other children} are up in Heaven.

That they are healthy and happy.

As Adison said the other evening, "Maybe they are in Heaven playing soccer with Jesus."

I like that idea.

I still had some trepidation about today, up until I woke up this morning.

I am happy to report that today has been anything but sad.

While I have thought about our dear girl, I cannot help but think how blessed I am.

I have 9 children.

Yes, 2/3 of them do not live on the Earth with me, but 9 blessings none the less.

{I don't have a good lead in to today's going on's so can we just pretend that I do? Thanks!}

I was excited to spend my day with my three little cupcakes today.

Adison was home, so we had to do some celebrating.

What better was to celebrate and be happy than by going on a special outing with my girls?

We headed over to an art museum that has an art lab for kids.

{I think I wrote about it before, but am not sure, if this is repetitive I apologize.}

Anyways, I had taken the little girls, but today was a first for Adison.

She is really creative and artisitc so I knew that she would have a blast.

Getting ready to head out.

They had this cool/weird/odd bird nest/house/thingy outside the museum.

The kids had fun playing hide and go seek in it.

One cute little bird.

Another cute little bird.

Abby had a blast playing at the light table.

The big girls doing some water painting.

Adison said that hers was a storm.

It was good y'all.

I think that Abby's favorite was the little sand box.

She spent the majority of her time there.

I was impressed with Adison's attention to detail and focus.

Ainsley had so much fun painting, she completed two of them.

Today has been a good day.

How has yours been?

P.S. I watched The King's Speech last night.

Oh my goodness, I LOVED it!

{Also, if you are unaware, Colin Firth is in it, sigh.}

Wow, last night was a night

Yesterday after picking Adison up from school we went over to my friend Jennifer's house for a little play date.

Yes, it was for the moms as much as for the children.

That you see, is the joy of our children being friends!

We all had a lot of fun.

After that we headed home to make some dinner, do baths and homework.

No biggie, normal evening.

As we are finishing dinner it dawned on me again that next Wednesday marks 5 years since we found out that we lost our Emma Grace.

It's not that it's shocking or anything, but 5 years seems like a big deal to me.

I mention it to K and my heart breaks to hear his response.

He doesn't want to think about it, it is still too painful.

I can't stand the thought of my husband hurting.

That got me thinking about that time and it suddenly flashes to mind that I. have. no. idea. where. her. sonogram. picture. is.

I feel myself start to panic.

How could I lose this?
How could I have misplaced it?

You see, I know that it is simply a sonogram picture.

But I have no other memory of her.

I don't have any other picture or idea of her.

As a mother, I need this.

I need this small picture of her.

So, I panic.

I rack my brain trying to remember where it is.

K gets up and looks on the computer, he thinks that he scanned it.

Nope, it's not on there.

Suddenly I remember that it was in the square, silver picture frame.

But, the picture frame isn't on the fireplace.

Where is it?

At this point I am near tears.

How could I have lost it?

I think it might be in the basement, packed away.

I start digging through all the tubs that I think it could be in.

Nothing.

I go back upstairs and tell K.

Now I am even closer to tears.

He mentions thinking that it could be in my scrap booking tub.

I race downstairs.

Hope spirals anew.

Nope.

I do however find a bunch of Ainsley's sonogram pics.

{They were really cute, btw.}

Then I spot a tub that has a bunch of picture frames in it.

Eureka!

I start tearing through all of them.

I find the picture frame.

But then I hear Abby SCREAMING.

It's the scream that strikes terror in all parents.

I knew that something was very wrong.

I grabbed the pile of picture frames and dashed back upstairs.

She had gotten her finger SMASHED in the door.

I don't mean little smash, a serious SMASH.

Her finger nail had a purple line across it and she was inconsolable.

After giving her some ibuprofen and that not helping I decided to take her on a bit of a walk.

That always seems to help.

So walk we did.

It instantly cheered up my little sweet.

It's definitely Spring around here, there was so much beauty to look at.

Abby was doing much better so we headed home and I get her in bed.

Happy as a clam.

I looked in the picture frame and it isn't in there.

I started to lose hope on finding it.

Then it dawned on me that I had a little scrapbook for the cards and such that we received after we found out that we lost her.

I tore through my bookshelf looking for it and there it was.

The worst picture that they took of our precious little one, the only one that we were given.

Ahh, relief.

Abigail felt better and I found my picture.

What a nice end to a stressful evening.



She wasn't a band-aid

I remember after losing my first baby almost 5 years ago having this desire to become pregnant again.

Then we found that that Emma Grace's pregnancy had been a partial molar pregnancy.

Then I was not only grieving the loss of my baby and dealing with possible cancer, but also being served a wait time until we could have another baby.

It felt like a cruel joke.

One that we made through, keeping our eyes on having another baby eventually.

Finally, I was pregnant again.

We lost that baby too.

After that I had a raging fire inside of me.

I didn't just want another baby, I had to have one.

I had to have a baby with every single fiber of my being.

This need was something beyond myself.

I remember feeling desperate.

My need for my baby was like a need to eat.

I thought, that if only I got to have a baby, a real, live baby that this desperation would go away.

So, I became pregnant again.

We lost the baby.

At this point, I was simply beside myself.

When I look back at that time in our lives I have no idea how we survived.

This was taken days after we found out we had lost the baby.

From the picture, I can tell that we are trying really hard to put on a happy face.

I see pictures of myself from then and I am a shell.

A shell of a person just trying desperately to survive.

To not hate myself and my body.

I felt as though my body had failed me.

It was made for this.

This is what made me a woman and I was failing at it.

I was failing and there was absolutely nothing that I could do about it.
I knew that this wasn't true, that my body and I hadn't failed, but it was such a hard feeling to shake.

So, after losing baby number three I became pregnant with baby number four.

I remember thinking that maybe this baby would stay.
I had had three miscarriages and didn't bad things happen in threes?

That must mean that this baby would stay.

I held such hope for this baby.
Clinging to those hcg and progesterone numbers.
Even when the bleeding started, I still held out hope.

My mom and I took Adison to visit my ailing Grandfather.

We had pulled into a resturant when my doctor's office called.

My numbers were going up, but they weren't doing what they should.

I had an u/s scheduled for the following Monday.

In my mind Monday was a goal that we could hopefully reach.

On Saturday morning, I awoke and the contractions started.

Then I knew.

After this miscarriage, my doctor decided to do some extra testing.

Everything came back as normal or inconclusive.

Less than comforting.

We were given the all clear to try to conceive again.

I got pregnant that first month.

I was immediatley put on progesterone and aspirin.

I expected to lose the baby but clung to hope.

The baby, later to be known as Ainsley, stayed in there.

I pinned my hope and what seemed like my very future on this child that the Lord had blessed us with.

As the weeks passed I started to think I might just get this baby.

That maybe I could hold it together.

I didn't really enjoy the pregnancy the way that I had wanted and hoped too.

Not because there was anything wrong, in fact, everything was perfect.

But with losing so many babies, I couldn't relax and believe that I might actually get one.

We made it to delivery at 39 weeks.

Even in the hospital I couldn't relax.

She was still inside and I felt terrified.

After delivery, I finally felt myself exhale.

I released that tension that had resided in my very soul for the last 2 years.

Ahhh.

I had had my baby.

I healthy, live baby.

All would be right with the world again.

Or so I thought.

I had thought that a baby would be a band-aid.

That they would heal all of my hurts.

What a heaping load of responsibilty to place on one so tiny.

But heap it I did.

Eventuallly though, I came to realize some truth.

That nothing and no one would be able to take away all of that pain.

That it was unfair of me to expect my child to do that.

I learned what I should have known all along.

That while I trusted the Lord with everything else, I had held onto my pain like a security blanket.

I hadn't shared my burden with Him the way that I should have.

The way that He wanted me to.

So, slowly and painfully I gave that to Him too.

The way that I have tried to give everything else.

Because, while it was completely unrealistic for me to expect my child to this, I already knew the One that could do it with me.

How I get my babies to sleep

Adison, 3 days old

I wish that I would have done this with my first.

Not that she was a difficult sleeper after we got through the first three months.

They was sheer torture.

We tried doing the bath and reading, but instead of making her sleepy it woke her up even more.
We eventually settled on a routine that worked for Adison and she slept like a champ.
I wish that I would have thought of something as simple as singing during bedtime.
We did it throughout the day, but for some reason I never thought of singing the same song every bedtime.

I started doing this with Ainsley.

I sang the same song every time I put her to bed.

Her song was "Daisy Daisy."
I chose that song for her because I could replace the word "Daisy" with her name "Ainsley."

Every time I would lay her down for a nap or night time she would hear it.

Then she would simply go to sleep.

I remember thinking to myself, "This is GENIUS! I should have done this with Adison."

Since it worked so well on baby number two I decided to give it a shot on baby number three.
I chose "Twinkle, Twinkle Little Star," why that song I have no idea.
It just made sense to me that they should have their own song.

What do you know, it works like a charm.

She now knows that this signifies time to sleep.

If I don't do it she doesn't succumb to sleep as easily.

Without fail as soon I start singing to her, Abby immediately slumps down, rests her little check against the crook of my neck and the swaying begins.

It is such a simple thing to do but oh so special.

What about you?

What are some of your little tricks and routines for helping little ones off to slumber land?

Relieved

(**Disclaimer** This happened a year ago**)

Relieved.

Such a simple word with such an impact.

The feeling it evokes is pure bliss, happiness, shock, etc.

 I have felt relief many times:
passing an exam or class
not getting in trouble when I really should have (too many times to count)
getting to have a baby
my mom not having breast cancer
having a hysterectomy
my list could go on and on

The situation that pops to my mind instantly when I hear the word "relieved" is my baby girl, Abby, being able to hear.
I have written about it many times, but the beginning of my pregnancy with Abby was filled with uncertainty.
 Not just because of the multiple miscarriages, but there were bleeding issues and progesterone issues. Things that for me before had meant loss.

So when we actually made it to delivery, there was relief.
The feeling of oh my goodness, we have her!
Things were looking good after delivery, no real complications.
(Unless you want to count a botched epidural, imagine the procedure going so bad that your husband passes out and you feel most of what is going on still. Shuddering.)

Everything was going very routine until they got to the hearing test.
The lady that came in to administer the test had a child that attended Adison's school.
(Such a God incident.)
Abby passed with flying colors on her right side.
Her left just wouldn't pass.
We decided to do the test one more time, again she failed.
The lady administering the test informed us that they could only do the test three times before referring us on to Children's Mercy in Kansas City.
We could though, wait a couple of weeks, come back and do the test again.
It was thought that she just might have some fluid in her ears, she was a pretty wet baby when she was born.
We opted to wait and test again.

The weeks passed and I didn't think to much about the coming test.
The morning of, I remember praying and being at peace.
Abby and I headed up to the hospital where the lady in charge of the hearing program would be testing Abby.
Again, this lady too had a child attending Adison's school.
(Another God incident.)
We get Abby back to the room, get all the wires and such set and the test begins.
Her right ear passed within moments.
Perfect hearing.
She gets the left ear set up and right off the bat things are not looking so hot.
At this point it is showing that there was no hearing going on.
Where before she was registering some hearing/brain activity now there was none.
My heart broke.
We have a history of hearing problems on my side of the family and I have seen the struggles.
We were referred on to get the BIG hearing test done.

I headed home in shock and disbelief.
I really thought that she was going to pass, no problems.
I told K about it and he was really calm about the whole thing.
I was okay with it until I talked with my mother-in-law and I broke down and cried.
I was fearful that she would lose hearing in her other ear as her left ear had declined from "some activity" to none so quickly.
Later, Abby had an appt with her pediatrician and she mentioned things like hearing aids and therapy.
It was hard to hear, but I was at peace with things.
I just didn't want anything in this world to be any harder on my sweet baby than life was already going to be.
But, there are people that are thriving with hearing loss.
I knew that this was not something that would define her, rather something that would refine, enrich and grow her to be the beautiful girl that God had created her to be.

The time came for Abby's trip to Children's Mercy.
I was all psyched up and ready for it when a massive ice storm hit.
On top of that, the temperature had plummeted (the highs were negative numbers).
It was just not a safe situation to be traveling with a newborn.
I was forced to do the responsible thing and reschedule.
It was a hard choice to make because she was at the perfect age to get this test done and having to  reschedule the appointment for would mean that she would be older and less likely to sleep through the entire thing (which she had to).

So we waited and finally made the trek over to KC.
To say that I was nervous is such an understatement.
I had prayed about this test and knew that Abby had a bunch of people praying for her too.
I felt at peace with whatever happened and was so grateful for the prayers.
Poor Abby though, to get her to sleep through the entire thing, I was told not to feed her after her first morning feeding.
She was also not allowed to go back to sleep.
My mother-in-law did everything she could to keep Abby awake and Abby was not happy.
She screamed and screamed and screamed.

We headed back to start the exam.
Finally I was allowed to feed her.
The Dr. doing the exam was in charge of all of Children's Mercy's hearing tests.
She got everything set up and Abby drifted right off to sleep.
(Another God incident.)
The Dr. told us that she wouldn't be able to talk during the test so we would have to wait until the very end to get results.
She was going to be preforming three different tests so it would probably take a while.

Abby slept through all of the tests.
All of the poking, prodding, repositioning, having sticky things put in her ears.
She did rouse a few times, but fell back asleep quite quickly.
Finally the all the tests were done.
Time for the results...
She PASSED!
She passed everything!
Not just passed, she scored 100% on everything.

Relief, you betcha!

I was shocked, thrilled, offered up words of praise and gratitude.

It was wonderful to be able to call our prayer warriors to tell them the joyful news.

We were told to still watch her to make sure that she was reaching developmental milestones.

This tests could only tell us that her brain was registering all information, not if there was any hearing loss or not.

I'll take it!

So far, Abby has been doing wonderfully!

Relief, ahh such a beautiful word.
Such a beautiful feeling!

In hindsight, I view having to wait for her Children's Mercy tests to be a God incident too.
It gave her that much more time for whatever was going on to be healed.



I just don't know

I just don't know what to "talk" about today...

Maybe the nastiness that splatted out of Ainsley's nose and onto the floor this morning.

Ewww!

Maybe about the 1,000th person that asked me if we were going to have another baby so we can "get that boy" or if my husband was disappointed that we only have girls.

Seriously!

Maybe the fact that I am still not really in the Christmas spirit.

I am faking it for the kids.

House decorated, music playing, house smelling yummy.

Maybe about the fact that I have gotten NONE of my Christmas shopping done yet.

Still not freaking out about it.

Maybe about the fact that I have three of the sweetest most darling little girls that have ever existed.

Honestly!

Maybe about my wonderful, funny hubby that makes me laugh even when he is so nauseous.

What a catch!

Maybe I just wrote about all of those things.

Happy Monday!