Awful weather and some needed prayers

Yesterday I wrote about the storm that came through our town. It was such a scary moment that really brought home the fears of living here in the Midwest. But, We are safe, a tornado didn't touch down.

 I heard last night that a tornado ripped through a town here in Kansas. One person was killed and 20 homes were destroyed.

This evening I just heard about a storm that ripped through the town of Joplin, MO. The town was hit very hard. The hospital itself took a direct hit.

I feel so awful for everyone affected by these storms.

I know from our sermon from yesterday that we are called to not be fearful. However, this is a scary time. There is serious hurt and need going on.

Will you please join me in praying for all of those affected by this?

Rock watch 2011 & other stuff

Here I sit.

Waiting for my darling, angelic three year old to have to use the restroom so I can sift through the debris to see if her hubby, Mr. Heart-Shaped-Rock has made his re-appearance.

{Waiting for her to poop to see if the rock has shown up.}

It was as my friend Jennifer said:

She really took the two become one to heart.

Ha!

Here I sit, feeling really uncomfortable with any and all options right now.

Sigh.

We will have to wait and see.

Have a mentioned a time or a thousand that I am REALLY impatient.

It's even worse if the health/safety of one of my kids is involved.

Abby has her 18 month check up on Thursday and I am going to talk with our pediatrician again about this situation.

I really do trust him implicitly, I just don't trust the rock in her stomach.

Bleh, thinking about it weirds me out.

{p.s. I totally want to get a picture of her xray, I wonder if her dr's office has the film...}

By the way, HOW is Abigail 18 months!?!?!?!?!

I did NOT give her permission to grow up so quickly!

Speaking of Princess Abby-kins, she is FINALLY starting to feel better.

Last night after K got home she was smiley and happy and giggly again.

It was like having Abby back.

Although the joy was short lived because her evil tempered alter ego that I affectionately call "Screaming Banshee" made an appearance again.

Sigh.

I feel really bad for her, homegirl is just not happy.

Not that I can blame her, I would be too if I was being attacked by mucus.

Adison is READY for school to be over.

I am READY for school to be over.

It's time.

We were talking on our way to her school this morning about the fact that she will be done next week.

Next week!

Yes!

There have been some really sweet moments with my girls lately.

{you know, when they're NOT fighting}

Abby and Ainsley have been having fun playing and laughing.

Adison is simply precious with Abby, she has a special love for her baby sister.

Adison's concern about Ainsley and her tummy melted me.

It's nice to have these quiet little snapshot moments to savor and enjoy.

Thanks everyone for you love and support and prayers with our little Lee, it means the world to K and I.



Wow, last night was a night

Yesterday after picking Adison up from school we went over to my friend Jennifer's house for a little play date.

Yes, it was for the moms as much as for the children.

That you see, is the joy of our children being friends!

We all had a lot of fun.

After that we headed home to make some dinner, do baths and homework.

No biggie, normal evening.

As we are finishing dinner it dawned on me again that next Wednesday marks 5 years since we found out that we lost our Emma Grace.

It's not that it's shocking or anything, but 5 years seems like a big deal to me.

I mention it to K and my heart breaks to hear his response.

He doesn't want to think about it, it is still too painful.

I can't stand the thought of my husband hurting.

That got me thinking about that time and it suddenly flashes to mind that I. have. no. idea. where. her. sonogram. picture. is.

I feel myself start to panic.

How could I lose this?
How could I have misplaced it?

You see, I know that it is simply a sonogram picture.

But I have no other memory of her.

I don't have any other picture or idea of her.

As a mother, I need this.

I need this small picture of her.

So, I panic.

I rack my brain trying to remember where it is.

K gets up and looks on the computer, he thinks that he scanned it.

Nope, it's not on there.

Suddenly I remember that it was in the square, silver picture frame.

But, the picture frame isn't on the fireplace.

Where is it?

At this point I am near tears.

How could I have lost it?

I think it might be in the basement, packed away.

I start digging through all the tubs that I think it could be in.

Nothing.

I go back upstairs and tell K.

Now I am even closer to tears.

He mentions thinking that it could be in my scrap booking tub.

I race downstairs.

Hope spirals anew.

Nope.

I do however find a bunch of Ainsley's sonogram pics.

{They were really cute, btw.}

Then I spot a tub that has a bunch of picture frames in it.

Eureka!

I start tearing through all of them.

I find the picture frame.

But then I hear Abby SCREAMING.

It's the scream that strikes terror in all parents.

I knew that something was very wrong.

I grabbed the pile of picture frames and dashed back upstairs.

She had gotten her finger SMASHED in the door.

I don't mean little smash, a serious SMASH.

Her finger nail had a purple line across it and she was inconsolable.

After giving her some ibuprofen and that not helping I decided to take her on a bit of a walk.

That always seems to help.

So walk we did.

It instantly cheered up my little sweet.

It's definitely Spring around here, there was so much beauty to look at.

Abby was doing much better so we headed home and I get her in bed.

Happy as a clam.

I looked in the picture frame and it isn't in there.

I started to lose hope on finding it.

Then it dawned on me that I had a little scrapbook for the cards and such that we received after we found out that we lost her.

I tore through my bookshelf looking for it and there it was.

The worst picture that they took of our precious little one, the only one that we were given.

Ahh, relief.

Abigail felt better and I found my picture.

What a nice end to a stressful evening.



She wasn't a band-aid

I remember after losing my first baby almost 5 years ago having this desire to become pregnant again.

Then we found that that Emma Grace's pregnancy had been a partial molar pregnancy.

Then I was not only grieving the loss of my baby and dealing with possible cancer, but also being served a wait time until we could have another baby.

It felt like a cruel joke.

One that we made through, keeping our eyes on having another baby eventually.

Finally, I was pregnant again.

We lost that baby too.

After that I had a raging fire inside of me.

I didn't just want another baby, I had to have one.

I had to have a baby with every single fiber of my being.

This need was something beyond myself.

I remember feeling desperate.

My need for my baby was like a need to eat.

I thought, that if only I got to have a baby, a real, live baby that this desperation would go away.

So, I became pregnant again.

We lost the baby.

At this point, I was simply beside myself.

When I look back at that time in our lives I have no idea how we survived.

This was taken days after we found out we had lost the baby.

From the picture, I can tell that we are trying really hard to put on a happy face.

I see pictures of myself from then and I am a shell.

A shell of a person just trying desperately to survive.

To not hate myself and my body.

I felt as though my body had failed me.

It was made for this.

This is what made me a woman and I was failing at it.

I was failing and there was absolutely nothing that I could do about it.
I knew that this wasn't true, that my body and I hadn't failed, but it was such a hard feeling to shake.

So, after losing baby number three I became pregnant with baby number four.

I remember thinking that maybe this baby would stay.
I had had three miscarriages and didn't bad things happen in threes?

That must mean that this baby would stay.

I held such hope for this baby.
Clinging to those hcg and progesterone numbers.
Even when the bleeding started, I still held out hope.

My mom and I took Adison to visit my ailing Grandfather.

We had pulled into a resturant when my doctor's office called.

My numbers were going up, but they weren't doing what they should.

I had an u/s scheduled for the following Monday.

In my mind Monday was a goal that we could hopefully reach.

On Saturday morning, I awoke and the contractions started.

Then I knew.

After this miscarriage, my doctor decided to do some extra testing.

Everything came back as normal or inconclusive.

Less than comforting.

We were given the all clear to try to conceive again.

I got pregnant that first month.

I was immediatley put on progesterone and aspirin.

I expected to lose the baby but clung to hope.

The baby, later to be known as Ainsley, stayed in there.

I pinned my hope and what seemed like my very future on this child that the Lord had blessed us with.

As the weeks passed I started to think I might just get this baby.

That maybe I could hold it together.

I didn't really enjoy the pregnancy the way that I had wanted and hoped too.

Not because there was anything wrong, in fact, everything was perfect.

But with losing so many babies, I couldn't relax and believe that I might actually get one.

We made it to delivery at 39 weeks.

Even in the hospital I couldn't relax.

She was still inside and I felt terrified.

After delivery, I finally felt myself exhale.

I released that tension that had resided in my very soul for the last 2 years.

Ahhh.

I had had my baby.

I healthy, live baby.

All would be right with the world again.

Or so I thought.

I had thought that a baby would be a band-aid.

That they would heal all of my hurts.

What a heaping load of responsibilty to place on one so tiny.

But heap it I did.

Eventuallly though, I came to realize some truth.

That nothing and no one would be able to take away all of that pain.

That it was unfair of me to expect my child to do that.

I learned what I should have known all along.

That while I trusted the Lord with everything else, I had held onto my pain like a security blanket.

I hadn't shared my burden with Him the way that I should have.

The way that He wanted me to.

So, slowly and painfully I gave that to Him too.

The way that I have tried to give everything else.

Because, while it was completely unrealistic for me to expect my child to this, I already knew the One that could do it with me.

Oh what a Friday: From crazy hair to poison control

Friday started out like any other day.

Me glancing over at the clock and dashing out of bed.

The day needed to start, get kids up, fed and dressed so we could take Adison to school.

Not 10 seconds after opening my eyes did I remember that they are having Spirit Week at school and today was Crazy Hair Day.

Adison had explained to me the previous afternoon what she wanted done and it didn't sound too bad.

But, the harsh reality hit bright and early Friday morning that it was an *extra* thing to do.

Our mornings are on a tight schedule but I knew that we could make it work.

She basically wanted to wear ALL of our flower hair clips in her hair so she looked like a garden.

That was my goal and I feel like it was pretty successful.

She also wore a pink and orange butterfly shirt to drive that garden theme home.

I decided to let her wear some body spray that smelled like flowers to give her that extra something.

She looked so cute!

After dropping her off the day went according to plan.

That plan included attacking the laundry, yes I got some of it done so it didn't, in fact, grow legs and attack out fair city.

We did have a fun little outing planned for the day and we went on a picnic with some friends that included some time to play and run around at the park.

We get back home, put the baby down for a nap and Ainsley and I hang out for a bit before picking up Adison from school.

Fast forward, I get Ainsley ready to pick up Adison.

I told her to wait by the back door like I do every day.

I tell her I am going to go to the bathroom and get Abby and then we need to leave.

I was gone MAYBE 90 seconds.

As I am walking into the kitchen I immediately know that something is wrong.

Ainsley just looked off and panicky.

I ask her what is wrong and she just points to the floor over by the fridge.

I look over and just then she starts puking.

Uh oh.

I see one of out dishwasher soap packs on the floor and the package is torn open.

I look back at her and then the REAL puking begins.
To say that I was terrified could be the understatment of the year.

After she is done I ask her what happened.

She said that she took a bite of the soap pack because she thought it was food.

What???
She clearly KNOWS that it is to wash the dishes, but she is 3 and who knows what she is really thinking.

I do the only thing possibles seeing that I now have 3 minutes to pick up Adison from school.

I wipe her up, get the kids in the car and call poison control.

They said that kids actually do this a lot because they think it looks like candy.
**I wish that I would have known this before, heads up to all of you that use these and have small children in your house.**

That she might vomit (already took care of that), have some diarrhea and be a bit sleepy from puking.

We also had to watch her for an inability to swallow, which the kind woman told me was really rare.

She also told me that those things supposedly taste AWFUL so most kids don't ingest that much of them.

Well, the diarrhea hit less than an hour later and I watched  her like a hawk for any additional issues.

Why is she so much scarier at 3 than she was at 2!?!

I have also not been letting her out of my sight for a moment, eating the soap pack is something that I NEVER in a million years thought that she would try to do, but she did. Sigh.

Today (Saturday) she is just fine and we both learned a valuable lesson.

She learned that eating a soap pack will make up puke and have AWFUL diarrhea.

I learned that my three year old cannot be trusted for even 90 seconds while I use the restroom and get her baby sister.

Seeing Adison's hair like this is amazing.

She has the straightest hair I have ever seen and it does NOT hold curl at all.

It lost all of this curl/body within a matter of hours

**All pictures were from my phone, sorry they are not the best quality.

Guess who is FINALLY walking!?!

ABIGAIL!!!

She has been flirting with walking for about a month now.

K and I figured that she was probably just being stubborn, if you know Abby's personality it fits.

The last  few days she has been walking a bit more just because.

From one toy to another.

But yesterday she was walking a lot!

Like, across the room a lot!

I simply cannot believe it!

While it saddens me on one hand because she is no longer a "baby".

I rejoice in her advances.

I know I just talked about it in this post and for the first time in this post, but when something just seems to be a bit off with your little one it is terrifying!
I think that she just wanted to scare her Mama as we are rapidly approaching the 15 month check up.

So, I rejoice and give thanks!

Give thanks because all of the little "issues" we were having with Abby have been met and I am assuming that she is now developmentally on track!

She has her 15 month check up next month so I will of course update you and let you know how that goes.

I just don't know how to NOT share.

(Please excuse the mess, remember the stomach bug. Also, the pictures are just not that great, she was moving all over the place. It's like I tell my young ones, "You get what you get and you don't throw a fit." So I am okay with it.)

In other news:

~I am feeling better. Just a bit tired so I can't complain. Thanks everyone for your sweet words!

~Clara was right, my movie quote is from one of my most favorite movies of all time "Napoleon Dynamite". If you haven't seen it, I highly recommend it!

~Ainsley really wants a chihuahua. She keeps asking me if we can get one when our cats die (we have been telling the girls that we can't get any other pets because we have the cats, so her comment isn't too morbid). This morning after dropping Adison off at school she asked me, "Mama, if someday after the cats die if you see a chihuahua running down the street, just yell 'CHIHUAHUA!' and we can get it."

~I can't tell you how happy I am to have all 3 cupcakes and my main squeeze home with me. Ahhh, bliss.

An irrational fear

For some reason I feel the need to re-hash this blog post because it has reared it's ugly head and has been tormenting me.

Going on three months ago I was making my "faux coffee" as hubby likes to call it.

I was just about to dump the mix into the cup and saw a S-P-I-D-E-R.

You can read the rest of the story on the previous post.

(Sorry to make more work, I just thought it might be redundant to write the same thing twice.)

A

N

Y

W

A

Y

S

I now have developed this irrational fear of spiders being in my coffee cup.

Each time I get a coffee cup out of the cabinet I have to flip it over really quick to see if there is a spider in it.

This is getting ridiculous especially considering the fact that it is getting cold out and I am constantly getting out mugs for faux coffee, hot chocolate or apple cider.

This is happening multiple times a day, get a grip Danna!

It is reaching ridiculous heights.

Yesterday as I was putting dishes away I reached for a mug and had to flip it over really quick to check.

Seriously?

I had to mentally chastise myself.

I had just run the dishwasher.

How in the world was a spider going to get into the dishwasher and into the newly cleaned mug.

How about you.

Do you have any irrational fears?
If so, what are they?
Feel free to share :)