I've missed this space

I've missed this space.
This little cozy corner that I've made to talk, share, talk and talk and talk some more.
Somewhere along the way though, I felt like I didn't have any more to say.
That life felt too complicated yet mundane to share.
I think I needed a break.
(A rather long break, if I'm being honest.)
I've gone weeks without thinking about typing up a post and then a little ping would go off in my brain...
write, share, analyze, release
This little corner is what helps me to feel like me, sometimes I can't find the words that I want when speaking, but in this space I can take the time that I want to formulate them.
(Or to formulate other words when the right words won't come. frustrating.)

Life has been good.
Even in the tough times, it's good.

I started the school year homeschooling Adison (yes! I finally took the plunge!).
Midway through the semester I pulled Ainsley from public school and am now homeschooling her as well.
I plan on homeschooling Abby next year as well.
What had started as a whisper, a yearning in my heart years ago has finally become a reality.
I was timid, afraid to take the leap and oh, it is good.
It's good and fun and hard and frustrating and amazing and so many other words in one.
I love love love watching my kids learn.
To see the little light come on with a tough lesson is understood.
To explore new things with them.
I'm digging it. Enjoying it.
We're still finding balance. I'm learning to be more fluid.
Some days we get extra done and others, well, we do what we can.
It's good.

Other news, well, my kids decided to grow up on me.
Adison turned 12, Lee turned 7 and my baby turned 5.
She will always be my baby.

I'm hoping to write more.
I like this space.

Now

This pic was from our family donut date from last weekend.

Right now:

The heater just switched off, it's so cold.
Waiting for Ainsley to get home from school, my best friend is bringing her home today.
Looking at my floor, it is in need of some vacuuming.
Oh, Lee just got home!
Checking on Adison, she's been home sick all week.
Listening to Abby crunch on the sweet potato chips she picked for a snack today.
Getting ready to spend some time in the Word.
And the heater just switched on, have I mentioned it's cold???

What are you up to?

Adios 2013

2013--
I wish I could say that I will miss you, but the last few weeks of you kicked my butt.

The above pic is the gussied up me. The Me that wanted to celebrate my birthday looking somewhat human rather than almost zombie-like.

I actually did my hair and makeup.
See the pic below...that's the me that's been limping along since before Christmas.




See, K and I thought it would be awesome to round out the new year with some influenza A with a splash of bronchitis on the side.

I don't recommend it, not one bit. Especially if you wait until
Christmas Eve to wrap your kids presents.

I was a mess and I think I started crying at one point and tried to convince myself to go to the hospital.
But then I started moaning and groaning and feeling so wretched that I just lay there and willed myself to sleep.

Now though, well, I no longer feel as though I'm courting death, more like courting my bed.
So tired.
So so tired, as in, I feel like I'm in high school again and have mono.

The kids have been troupers.
K and I have been rallying with the help of coffee.

How was your New Year's Eve/end of the year?

Here's to a happy and healthy 2014!

Right now: december 13

Right now:

--I'm snuggling my friends' little boy- he's incredibly cuddly and I'm soaking it in. It's my most favorite in the entire world. Hand me a baby and I will snuggle.

--Staring at my Christmas tree and noticing that some little hands have been busy at work rearranging ornaments. There are little groupings: two sparkly balls nestled on a branch, two glittery snowflakes side-by-side, two mirrored balls staggered next to one another. Normally this would drive me bananas--but now, I'm going to enjoy the masterpiece of one of my littles.

--Watching one of our cats pounce on the tree skirt. She gets down, wiggles her little tush and leaps. What she's going after is beyond me, but she then lays down and has a very content look about her. Well done, Zoe.

--Thinking about Ainsley asking me to tell her the story about Christ's birth again. She loved it when after K read about it in the Bible we used our Nativity to act it out.

--Looking forward to these next couple weeks. When our days slow down, alarms are turned off and we get to just be. I foresee many a morning (or afternoon to be honest) in our pjs watching movies.

--Looking forward to our small group Christmas party. We decided to do an ugly sweater party and somehow K turned it from a white elephant party to a white unicorn party, I'm not sure what that entails but it'll be awesome.

Good night, xo

Eleventy billion things

Happy Wednesday my loves!
At least I think it's Wednesday ... my kids (yes, all three of them) have decided to contract a stomach bug.

The things coming out of my children are horrifying, the smell, well, lets just say that there has been a lot of: laundry washing, bath taking, disinfecting and candles being lit.

I *think* we are at the end of this mess, although I thought that last night only to discover that Ainsley had thrown up off the side of the bed sometime in the middle of the night.

I'm not holding my breath.

(except for when I'm cleaning the previously mentioned filth)

I am praying with all my might that K and I avoid this, please please please let this skip the two of us.

PLEASE!

Yes, that's the sound of desperation.

I'm working backwards with this post because that's how the pics downloaded off of my phone and rather than fighting it I decided to go with it.

This turkey had her well-check on Monday.

She was NOT please about having to wear the "big pajamas", at all.

I snapped this pic to send home to K who was home with Lee.

She would not smile, she was ticked.

Don't mess with her and her clothing choices.

She later informed me that she'd rather be naked then have to wear the gown, I foresee massive clothing battles in our future.

These two.

They laugh, they fight, they laugh some more, but most of all they love each other dearly.

This was on Abby's fourth birthday.

When anyone asked how her day was she was respond to everyone with, "I'm fouah!"

She had a blast.

We had a blast.

Halloween.

Yes, it was forever ago.

No, I didn't blog about it.

Why?
Because I'm an awful blogger!

We had fun trick-or-treating with some of our small group.

It was lovely, can't wait to do it again next year!

I'm a redhead now and I'm loving it.

I dyed my hair while we were visiting my mom and step-dad.

That weekend was amazing and I need to blog about that as well.

It was awesome and we met some online friends in person for the first time.

It was epic.

I need to blog about that, too.

See, bad blogger.

And because my children insist on getting older every year, Adison and Ainsley demanded to turn a year old.

I tried to stop it but Ainsley told her that Jesus told her she could and you can't argue with Jesus.

We celebrated their birthdays together at one of my favorite places, they make cupcakes and not just any cupcakes, the best cupcakes ever.

I hope you are doing well, how's life treating you?
Let's catch up.

Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day

I've had 6 miscarriages.

5 of them were win the first trimester and one was in the beginning of the second.

I had a easy pregnancy and delivery with our first, Adison, two years of infertility followed by 4 miscarriages.

We then had our first rainbow baby, Ainsley, followed by two more miscarriages and then had our second rainbow, Abby.

This is us.

This is our reality.

This is the story of our family.

This is what has built our family, what has brought us to the deepest depths of despair and has helped us to feel such gratitude for what we have.

While, at times, it felt like it might break us individually had the opposite effect on our marriage and brought us so very close to one another.

It has shaded every tough moments with having children with the thought of what might not have been.

This experience can be so very isolating, the feeling of being so very alone and so broken that you might shatter.

Here's something I came to realize, you are not alone.

Even if you feel that you are, please know that you are not.

I remember feeling so very lost and unsure and well, terrified.

Please know that I'm here for you, please.

I know the primal need to share, to make sure that others remember you baby(ies).

If you would like to read more about my {our} experiences, start here.

Today, October 15th, is International Pregnancy and Infant Loss Rememberance Day.

It is a day that we remember all of the tiny ones that were lost through miscarriage, stillbirth, SIDS or death during infancy.

Today we remember.

I was contacted by Count the Kick campaign to help share what they are doing.

By keeping track of your baby's movements you can help prevent late-term complications and stillbirths.

Please check out their facebook page: Count the Kicks 

If you've gone through a pregnancy or infant loss and you would like to share, please do so.

Talking about my losses has helped tremendously.

Please know that I'm praying for you, xo

Here we are

So, I'm here.

Struggling to figure out what to write.

I think about it on a daily basis.

So, here's where we are.

We are busy.

We are adjusting to our new norm.

Two kids in school, one at home.

A fifth grader {whoa!} who has her own very definite idea of how things are supposed to be.

If they are not exactly the way she would like then watch out.

She's growing up, she's trying new things and just throwing me for a loop.

A kindergartner {double whoa} who is so sensitive and yet really Type A.

Girl has to have things done the right way, has to do things the right way the first time and stresses over the unknown and uncertain.

A three {soon to be 4 year old} who is still adjusting to her best friend being in kindergarten.

Who is for really the first time is alone, she's finding her own voice, learning to play by herself and stretch her imagination.

This time has been busy and fun and crazy and loud and frustrating and exhausting and well, life.

I'm enjoying where we are at, I'm enjoying this slice of life, maybe not each and every moment {keeping it real} but trying to.

I'm tired though, this time, while not as physically strenuous is so much more emotionally and mentally taxing.

Yay coffee.

Yesterday I had a glimpse at what having three female teenagers will be like and whoa, I'm kind of scared.

The bickering was bouncing around like a ping pong ball, one would be upset and bicker with another and then someone else would start up and so on and so forth.

We made it through it.

We continue to figure all of this out, figure out how things flow and causes stress.

I'm trying to figure out how to make it all work, I'm thinking of starting a clip chart like they do at the girls' school.

If I start it I'll let y'all know.

I'm sure it will be interesting.